


Don't Have A Cow, Man

by Inkspill2



Category: The Simpsons
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, M/M, More tags to be added, Romance, Teenagers, bart and lisa and growing up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-04-06 20:20:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19069957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkspill2/pseuds/Inkspill2
Summary: Bart Simpson grows up. It's confusing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I was inspired by all the great Simpsons fics on here, especially those written in the present-tense. I don't know why, but the Simpsons seems to be made for present tense writing. Anyway, hope you enjoy this!

Bart wonders how he ended up with this kind of relationship with his elementary school bully.  
Bart isn't sure what it is, exactly, but it seems to change on a daily basis. Sometimes, Nelson ignores him, sneers a comment a little too harshly, punches him far too hard for it to be considered affectionate, reminding Bart that they really aren't friends at all.

  
However, there are times where Bart genuinely connects with Nelson more than he ever has with Milhouse; they bond over beer and laughter and complaints.  
Nelson's a delinquent, like Bart. Bart likes that about him. Milhouse seems much more childish by comparison; stuck in a world of comic books and cartoons and bedwetting.

  
Bart's always walked a fine line between Nelson's world and Milhouse's world. He's never too far into Milhouse's world that he would sink to the level of the bully-magnets which are Martin and Lisa. But on the other hand, he's more of a petty thug than a criminal, and he'll never be like Jimbo or Kearney.

  
Bart finds himself more comfortable in the middle. He likes Milhouse; likes his energy, his optimism, his eagerness to please- but he also likes Nelson; likes his confidence, his rough edges, his rebellious streak.  
Milhouse doesn't understand Nelson, doesn't even begin to. It makes Bart wonder if that means Milhouse hardly understands him- or, if he only understands the part of him that's more Milhouse than Nelson.

  
Lisa expects Nelson to do the traditional bully thing and try to get Bart to stop hanging out with Milhouse, but he doesn't. He's always a little disgruntled when Milhouse is around, but for the most part, he keeps his mouth shut.

Bart's grateful for that, because he likes Milhouse a lot more than he's willing to admit.

A couple of sleepovers ago he realized it, laying in a sleeping bag on the floor, staring at the Van Houten's ceiling and listening to the sound of Milhouse's breathing. He realized that sleepovers at the Van Houten's house suck; that their food is weird and they hardly ever put the air conditioner on. But somehow, he keeps coming back- he keeps _wanting_ to come back.

And now, he feels the same thing toward Nelson; his house is more like a shack, and it always smells like cigarettes. Nelson himself often smells like cigarettes.

It makes Bart a little bit sick to imagine kissing him- but also, a little bit thrilled.

Nelson isn't good-looking, but he's grown out of that phase where he's entirely bad-looking and Bart begins to see the appeal in his rough, 'bad boy' vibe. He rides a motorcycle and has traded his denim vest for a leather jacket.

He gives Bart the finger when he looks at him and says "what's up, bitch?" and Bart likes it way too much.

Milhouse seems to be the completed opposite. He, too, is not exactly good-looking; he's definitely more middle-class than Nelson, which means he has more frequent haircuts and his clothes are guranteed to be clean.

Milhouse comes to school well-groomed, but confused, in preppy outfits and round glasses. He blurts out the wrong thing and laughs a little too loud and isn't helping Bart with his social standing, but he's _Milhouse_ , and Bart likes that about him.

He can't really explain what he feels for these two, but maybe he doesn't need to. Maybe they're just his best friends and that's enough.

...

But it's _not_ enough.

Bart hasn't felt this strongly about anyone since Laura Powers and Jessica Lovejoy, and even those two managed to be simply childhood crushes that faded over the years.

Lisa will help him. Lisa always helps him, even if she giggles a little before she does so.

"I dunno, Bart," Lisa says when he brings up how he feels. "It doesn't sound like a problem to me."

"It doesn't?" the thought has never occurred to Bart that this may not be a problem at all.

"Nope," Lisa says. "It seems to me like you might have crushes on two of your friends."

Bart stops short, scanning her tone for any hint of teasing, of sarcasm, of anything but seriousness.

It seems like she's serious.

"That's..." Bart begins. "I don't think so."

Lisa shrugs. "It's possible to feel very strongly about people without it being a romantic feeling- but somehow, I get the impression that this is anything but platonic."

Bart wonders if he should laugh. He doesn't.

"Lis, you think maybe you're projecting?" Bart says. "Maybe because _you're_ gay?"

"I'm bi," Lisa says. "And anyway, it's nothing to freak out about. Sexuality can be very fluid. Maybe this is something for you to explore."

She talks as though she's an adult, and for a fifteen year old, she managed to come off as someone who's been through college and had lots of less than heterosexual experiences there. Bart just shakes his head and leaves her room. ****

* * *

Bart finds himself at Nelson's house and hates it there.

Nelson blasts music; the kind of awful classic rock that Homer likes. Bart sits on Nelson's bed while the taller boy air guitars, and enjoys himself a little more than he was before.

"You gotta really listen to the drummer, here," Nelson said. "He's fucking insane."

Bart does listen, and the drum beat gets more intense. He can feel its vibration, making the bed tremble a little under him. Nelson mimes drumming along to the music.

"This is the kind of shit my dad likes," Bart says. "God, it's terrible."

"Get bent," Nelson says, no animosity in his voice.

"Dude, skip the song," Bart says. "It's making me think of Homer."

"Alright," Nelson relents, and the next song starts. Bart recognizes this one; some Led Zeppelin song. He leans back on the bed and Nelson glances down at him. "This one good enough for you, princess?"

"Yup," Bart says, the beginnings of a grin pulling at his lips.

Bart's used to rough-housing from Nelson, so he's not exactly surprised when he's tackled and pinned to the bed, but he _is_ surprised when Nelson's lips meet his.

And suddenly, Nelson is off him, and Bart tastes cigarettes and hates it but also his heart can't stop pounding and his face is very hot.

"That's for being a hot piece of ass," Nelson huffs, his cheeks red. "Don't tell anybody."

 "...okay,"

 


	2. Chapter 2

Nelson grows his hair out, and Bart likes it.

A lot.

Nelson's been showering more often, which is a relief, and although he still smells like cigarettes, his hair is usually soft and clean. Bart runs his hands through Nelson's hair when they make out and absolutely loves it.

They make out in the closet where the janitor keeps his cleaning supplies, they make out in bathrooms at parties and under bleachers and all those cliché places. Nelson says he doesn't think of Bart as a boyfriend; more as someone who he liked to vent his frustration out to in the form of furiously making out.

Bart, on the other hand, feels a little bit differently. He's made out with Sherri or Terri before, and he didn't hate it; but more because he thought he was supposed to like it a lot more than he did. Guys were supposed to do this kind of thing with girls, and to like it.

None of the girls Bart had kissed had ever set his body on fire like this. When he's kissing Nelson, he feels hot all over and fuzzy and he lets out little gasps of breath when they separate.

Nelson is an experience, a wild, hazy, wonderful secret that the two of them get to share.

Bart hasn't told Lisa, but she saw them walking out of the bathroom together during a party and come out disheveled, so she knows something. 

And yet, Bart can't shake the feelings he has toward Milhouse.

One day, when he and Milhouse and wandering through the empty roads of Springfield, almost unconsciously, Bart grabs Milhouse's hand.

Milhouse's eyes widen, and his mouth hangs open for a moment before he gets a hold of himself.

Bart remembers, for a moment, when they were in kindergarten, Milhouse used to hold his hand a lot until they started getting made fun of and Bart told him to stop. It feels so weird now, and Bart still feels nervous about being seen holding the boy's hand, but it seems right, somehow.

~

"So are you... like... a _thing_ , with that Van Houten kid?" Nelson asks him one day.

Bart doesn't know what to do but shrug. "I dunno. It's kinda like what you and I have, but we're taking it slower." he suddenly smiles. "You're not jealous, are you?"

Nelson shoves him. "Fuck off." The larger boy pauses for a moment, then shrugs. "Just figured if you and him are like, boyfriends or whatever, it means you and I can't do our thing."

"Yeah," Bart says. "But what is our thing, exactly?"

"It doesn't matter," Nelson says. "I like your face and I like your ass, so you're just like- my friend who I sometimes like to make out with."

"That's flattering," Bart chuckled. "You really like my ass?"

Nelson glares. "Yeah, you're ass is fucking hot but I'm about to duct tape your mouth shut."

"I'm sure you have other ways of shutting me up."

Nelson smirks a little and grabs Bart's face more gently than expected, as though admiring it.

"Yeah. I do."

He presses his lips against Bart's, and Bart smiles a little and shares the kiss with his friend, feeling that fire all over again.

When they pull apart, Bart lets out an exhale.

"I just thought of something."

"What?"

"Am I, like, leading Milhouse on?"

Nelson narrows his eyes. "I dunno, man. Do you have to tell him about whatever the fuck is going on with us just so you two can hold hands?"

Bart frowns. "Nelson," he says. "You keep saying we aren't anything other than- like- friends with benefits. So why are you so against me having feelings for someone else?"

Nelson glares even more darkly. "I'm not. You can do whatever you want."

The hostility in his tone seems more palpable now, and despite his better judgement, Bart feelings angry.

"You can't even admit you have feelings for me," he says. "So I don't know why I expected you to be able to admit you're jealous of what I have with Milhouse."

"Bart," Nelson says through gritted teeth. "You just fucking want me to be all over you just because you get all attached even though we haven't done anything but make out. Jesus Christ, you're so desperate."

Bart clenches his fists. "Shut the fuck up, okay?! I- I have feelings for _Milhouse._ I know you just think of me as something to help you get over your sexual frustration before you have a girl who will let you do the same things to her- and- well- why can't I feel the same way? Why can't I just ditch you for Milhouse?"

"What's stopping you?"

Bart stopped short, taking in a breath. "I thought you were, but I guess not."

~

He storms out of that conversation and finds himself laying on his back on his sister's bedroom floor.

"Did you mean what you said, then?" Lisa prompts. "The whole 'I have feelings for Milhouse, not you' soap opera-y thing you said."

Bart puts his hands behind his head. "I'm not sure, honestly. I think I have feelings for both of them, maybe, but I don't know which one is stronger. And anyway, I thought Nelson had feelings for me, too, even though he denied it."

"It's hard to say," Lisa says thoughtfully. "But if both of them are okay with it, you could try dating both of them."

"Both of them?" Bart echoes. "Would that really work?"

"Depends on the situation," Lisa says. "I think you should try getting closer to Milhouse for now. It's sweet that you started holding his hand."

"Lisa..." Bart says.

"No, I mean it. It's _nice_! I'm glad you were confident enough to take that step."

Bart nods. "Thanks, Lis. You're cool."

And she is cool, Bart thinks, because she's the only person he can talk to.


End file.
